An Open Letter to Dr. Dobson

Dear Dr. Dobson,

         I grew up listening to Adventures in Odyssey every night before bed. "Focus on the Family" were four words that thrilled and gave me a feeling akin to the famous Disney castle intro – and your name “Dr. James Dobson” was nearly synonymous. That thrill shriveled and died, with a dust-spewing cough, yesterday, at around noon.

         To be fair, these views I’m reacting to are ones you’ve held for a long time. Although, it would seem to make any argument of mine less relevant, I would propose that the amount of time your words have had to steep and spread throughout the current Christian culture, makes their reconsideration imperative. Your influence has been heavy and, in regard to women in the church, it has been dangerous.

         In your book “Love Must Be Tough”, you address a woman asking for advice who is being habitually beaten by her husband. Your advice is not – get out, call the police, don’t become a statistic (as in dead – I’m talking about dead) – your advice is not to get a divorce. You continue, “I would suggest that Laura choose the most absurd demand her husband makes, and then refuse to consent to it. Let him rage if he must rage.” (p. 148) This apparently should make him realize he was being ridiculous and that they need Christian counseling. Not that he would try to choke her this time, or kill her, or one of their children.

         After advising that Laura poke the bear, you go on to have her further question her reality by warning against women who get themselves beaten up on purpose.

I have seen women belittle and berate their husbands until they set aflame with rage. Some wives are more verbal than their husbands and can win a war of words any day of the week. Finally, the men reach a point of such frustration that they explode, doing precisely what their wives were begging them to do in the first place.

         You are saying the two things that abusive people are well known for telling their victims. This time I’ll change or it’s all your fault. This is what keeps women in these situations. This is what keeps them putting themselves and their children in danger. This is what keeps them dying.  

Not to mention that you’re enabling men to continue to beat their wives by defending it – for whatever reason.

         Frankly it doesn’t matter whether or not you truly believe in this supposed problem of wives who want to cause themselves physical pain and damage in the ultimate goal of embarrassing or incriminating their husbands – because men should never beat up their wives.

         Never.

         It’s unbiblical and illegal and wrong.

         But the wrongness of this doesn’t seem to strike you as important enough to give words to. Rather you give words to the power and influence that women have over men to make them do things, such as in a little question and answer article online entitled “A Woman’s God-Given Influence”:

…women do have considerable influence on men when the fit is right and the attraction is strong. Typically, a man needs a woman more than she needs him. In fact, she can make or break him.

Otherwise:

         …single men are more inclined to move from job to job, drink too much, drive too fast, spend money unwisely, and be sexually irresponsible.

         Again, the message – a woman can change a man. A woman can change him from doing bad, illegal things to doing better. The responsibility is on her shoulders.  And for anyone who thinks you must not really think that, I include your example story from the same article:

         Here’s a silly little story from my childhood that will illustrate the influence that a woman (in this case, a girl) holds.  ...I was endowed with an abundance of testosterone as a boy…  …When I was fourteen years old, my mother told me to pick all the cherries off the tree in our backyard… …I set up a six-foot ladder and began working my way upward...

 At that moment of destiny, the prettiest girl in my school happened to be walking by. Her name was Laurie...  I saw her coming, of course, and was delighted when she stopped to watch. Then she said very sweetly, “You had better be careful, or you will fall.” Just to have that gorgeous creature standing there worrying about my safety made my heart skip a beat. I said, “I’ll be fine.” I then wiggled the lower half of my body to show her that I was fearless and in control... ...That is when my legs suddenly went to the left and the rest of me went to the right... Laurie ran to get my mother...  I was gasping and groaning and wanting to die. It was horrible. Don’t try to tell me that girls can’t affect a guy’s behavior for better or worse. Of course they can. Laurie knocked me off my ladder just by showing a bit of concern for me.

         No. Laurie did not knock you off your ladder Dr. Dobson. Your pride did. “Pride goes before destruction, and a haughty spirit before a fall.” Proverbs 16:18 ESV.

But according to your statements, in every interaction that a woman has with a man the burden of responsibility to keep that man from misbehaving is on her. When she comes into view, when she takes a beating, when she stops taking a beating. Because if a man misbehaves - a woman made him do it.

It doesn’t matter if you believe this to be universally true or not - this is where you are putting effort and energy in communicating with people.

You are giving men in the church, whose responsibility it is to keep their eyes in their heads and their hands to themselves, the excuse of pointing to the wife, daughter, parishioner and saying, like Adam, it’s the woman you gave me, Lord.

In the meanwhile, women and girls, who have very few recourses, find that they are not safe in church. Instead they are suspected. They are maligned. Their reputations are shot. All while the men who abused them are “gained as a brother” and pitied for the embarrassment of having to deal with the very notion of having done anything wrong.

If you truly believe in Biblical manhood, stop contributing to a church culture that hides and sympathizes with abusers. A victim cannot change an abuser. A victim is not responsible for abuse.